I've Upped My Standards.

Fuuuck...

2008-05-13T08:43:03Z

I hate it when I'm too drunk to write...

At least it's something...

2008-05-12T18:22:59Z

After more than two weeks in the shop I got Magnus (my big brown truck) back today. The thing is so old (730,000 miles and counting) they have to special order parts when it breaks down.

But I love my truck. I love my truck the way a Marine loves his rifle.

And I was plenty sick of the other one they had me driving.

See you all at Goth Prom tonight. At this point I've developed an "Awww fuck it, I'm wearing a Tshirt and jeans," attitude. But we'll be there.

Happyhappyhappy...EverybodyHappy...

2008-05-12T00:32:45Z

Happy 150th Birthday to Minnesota! And, ummm...Happy...there's something I'm forgetting. I know it. It's on the tip of my tongue...

Awww, fuck it. Just watch this and enjoy your day. Particularly if you've got a well-stretched vagina.

blueyeddevil @ 2008-05-07T02:34:00

2008-05-07T07:24:23Z

I'm a Wild Child.
Come and love me.
I want yooouuuuuu.

Jesus

2008-05-07T05:19:32Z

THIS IS SO HHHHHHOT!!!

Seriously. YouTube rules. I love this. Why do I even own a TV?

This is all need. And she's hot, too.

Okay so here's something that really pisses me off

2008-05-06T06:13:16Z

Everyone needs to watch this. Ben Stein, Watergate criminal, Conservative fuck and lovable Aw shucks monotonous script-reader/Ferris Bueller extra, has a new movie out saying that it is somehow irresponsible that we're not teaching our kids, IN SCHOOL, that some invisible cosmic astronaut is responsible for all things. Y'know, as opposed to concrete scientific evidence. Oh, and Darwin is responsible for the holocaust and by supporting Evolution you're some kind of fucking Nazi. No shit.

This movie is a big reason why Christian Conservatism needs to be stamped out of Society immediately, if not sooner. So they think that, since there's no explanation as to how the universe started without the hand of "God," Intelligent Design is the only rational thing in which to believe. Okay then genius, where did GOD come from?!?! I mean, just like the UNIVERSE, He had to start somewhere, right? "Oh no, God always was and always will be." Yeah, okay dumbass.

There's just no way to deal with that sort of attitude with kid gloves. If you believe this Intelligent Design bullshit and claim "Science doesn't explain things well enough," you're fooling yourself (which is the tactful way of saying you're mentally deficient). Hate to say it, but that's a fact.

Here's another favorite of mine; "Evolution is just a theory." I'm sure you've all heard that one. Y'know what else is just a theory? G R A V I T Y. So what the hell does your GOD have to say about Gravity?! That it's just some sort of Liberal conspiracy?! A theory in technical use is a more-or-less verified or established explanation accounting for known facts or phenomena. GOD has absolutely nothing AT ALL to do with known facts or phenomena. GOD can't even be considered A THEORY. So GOD should have FUCK ALL to do with my child's education.

What if the Universe exists as a Mobius strip. There is no beginning and no end. It never started and it will never finish. Can you wrap your mind around such a concept? NO. None of us can. The origination of things is beyond our ability to comprehend. That doesn't mean you can just pencil in some sort of childlike concept like a huge omnipotent being that snapped its fingers and started everything. Are you that dumb? And you want to teach that crap to my children Fuck you. Foist that sort of retardation on your own children if you must but keep that stupidity out of public schools. And yeah, I'll do whatever I can to save your poor children from being intellectually stunted by your ignorance. I can only hope I'll be able to save them at some point in their development.

Imagine the Universe as an elastic band. It expands until it can no longer then snaps back, collapsing in on itself creating a BIG BANG as all matter collides in an instant. Then everything spreads outward, giving form to new worlds, new ecosystems, new life. Imagine this happens again and again and again over a longer period of time than you could possibly conceptualize. Imagine this has happened an infinite amount of times already with drastically different results each time. Imagine that there was never a beginning to this rhythm. It simply always occurred in such a manner.

It's certainly a more valid an explanation than some divine being snapping his friggin' fingers and creating everything you know. Only incredibly less fucking STUPID.

I'm sorry. This is blatantly offensive to some, most likely. But religion is blatantly offensive to ME, and a boon to humanity in my estimation. At the very least you can rest assured I'll never be voted in to any position of power due to these beliefs.

Unfortunately.

Avert your eyes

2008-05-06T04:59:08Z

I warned you.

I fucking love Metal. I don't feel the need to justify my love for Metal but, in my mind, there just isn't another style of music as cool or as fun. While some just hear noise I hear the most beautiful sounds on the planet. And Metal contains some of the most proficient musicians of any genre - even "respectable" genres such as Classical - though, if you're not a musician you might not be able to appreciate much of the solid musicianship involved.

Yet, even so, there are some bands that you just love for the pure "Circus" value.

One such band is Cumbeast. Yeah. Cumbeast.

Gourmet Of Ill Shit

TRACKLISTING:
1. Rectum Havoc
2. Schlong Kong
3. Grandma Cremation
4. Spewing the Jungle Semen (Hostile Ape Posse pt.2)
5. Midget Meal
6. Dr. Dongledore (and a Cock with Butterfly Wings)
7. Inuteral Rape
8. Burning the Blessed
9. Leprous Masturbation
10. Blasting the Bling Bling

Obviously, I can't write a review of this and be taken seriously. But I'm dying to. Even so, you're still getting a review of Prostitute Disfigurement because I actually love that album. Cumbeast is just silly, with generic Thrash/Death riffing and mookish vocals mixed with a Death Metal growl that sounds like someone dropped a rabid ape into the garbage disposal. It's glorious. And the samples involve bad porn movies and Horror B-cinema fare. Seriously, if you really want to hear this I'll burn it off for you, but I'm not sure I've ever met anyone who would listen to this more than once. And I've already listened to it twice from beginning to end. My favorite sample (who knows where this one comes from?) is "Disgusting pervert! I only hope one day convicts feast upon your scrotum!"

I realize that at this point you're all asking yourselves why it is you know me. I'm sorry.

Oh, and hey! Check it out! They actually have a video for "Grandma Cremation!" Aren't you lucky?

So yeah. I'm going to be somebody's Father.

Near. Far...

2008-05-05T23:27:04Z

The results of the echo cardiogram are in!

As Celine might say, "I believe that my heart wil go oooooon."

Man. I'm going to be the healthiest person you've ever seen suddenly and inexplicably drop dead.

Send in the frowns

2008-05-05T18:45:47Z

Work is a drag, even when you're high on Xanax.

I'm still short of breath and I'm still getting the dark circles under my eyes but I just don't care.

Maybe all those yentas and hausfraus were on to something after all.

Listen To The Flower People

2008-05-03T18:37:33Z

MEAT BEAT MANIFESTO: The DTC Interview

Tonight, the CC Club. 9PM. We're celebrating a few birthdays, we're celebrating nearly a year of DTC, we're celebrating old friends, new friends, life and the good times that bind us all together. It doesn't matter who you know or haven't yet met, any and all are welcome. It's an open invitation to hang out and enjoy a great time. We always have a memorable amount of fun when we do this. Just look for Me!

Among the birthdays to celebrate we have skywayman and smartalix4 so far.

Gifts are wholly unnecessary. Your presence is all that is requested.

See you tonight!

Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight

2008-05-03T07:17:27Z

Why Station 4 irritates me and why TURISAS is one of the best bands you're not listening to.

I attended PAGANFEST tonight. It really pissed me off. First of all, the advertising just said "5PM." I assumed that meant the doors opened at 5PM. Why would it mean anything different? Who the hell can get to a show by 5PM on a weekday?! Even so, that's pretty damned early by anybody's standards. And it's a Friday so what's the rush? So yeah, I figured the doors would open at 5PM and the first of the five bands would go on around 6PM, 5:30 if they were really champing at the bit to get the show going. I managed to make it there by 6PM, or just after six. The third band had just taken the stage. Seriously. In one hour's time I missed two bands, including the act I most wanted to see, Eluveitie. Did these bands play twenty minutes each or something? How fucking ludicrous. I had read about previous dates on this tour and how each band was given ample time to play a good variety of their music. But Station 4 decided to fuck the bands and the fans straight up the ass. Never mind the fact that their dinky little stage is too tiny to accommodate groups that have six or more members, they put the squeeze on every set to get people out of the venue by 10PM, for whatever reason. This was a great lineup of bands that were unnecessarily shortchanged along with the fans. Thanks a lot Station 4. Thanks for embarrassing us all. We'll be lucky if any of these bands ever come here again. Considering this was "Paganfest" they must all think we're Puritans or something.

Týr
Having missed Suidakra and Eluveitie, this was the first act I saw. They're really good on disc; crisp, tight and entertaining. Live, they sounded muddy, plodding and dull. I was really disappointed by their set. They might have had an "off" night or Station 4's soundboard had the "suck" knob turned all the way up. But this performance was truly terrible. I was already in a pissy mood for having missed Eluveitie. This band didn't help matters.

Ensiferum
This was the headlining act. They had the unfortunate job of following up Turisas, to their detriment. Ensiferum is a great act on CD. I can't say whether it was solely the fault of Station 4's sound system or not, but they came across as a wall of static devoid of any dynamics. They have a very treble-oriented sound that's almost Black Metal in its approach and there are a lot of intricate details that get lost in a poor sounding atmosphere like the one at Station 4. I was with a friend who was unfamiliar with their songs, and to him it just sounded like a constant hum of sameness. I was forced to agree. The band's excellent drummer was the only one who managed to cut through the din. I noticed a lot of people leaving during their set. Hell, I didn't even make it all the way through. I've never seen a Black Metal band at Station 4 but this made me think I'd skip any Black Metal show in this venue. I really think their system is rather deficient.

TURISAS
Whether or not you're into any of the various subgenres of Metal, Turisas is a band you need to see at least once. They're not particularly heavy yet they come across as ferocious. Exemplifying a style that has come to be known as "Viking Metal" or, as the title of their debut album suggested, "Battle Metal," this is music that rocks hard while embracing the traditional sounds of their Finnish homeland. Making a Polka seem Metal ain't easy, yet Turisas can pull it off and turn it into something irresistibly infectious. Wearing fur skin suits with their bodies painted a brilliant orange-red color accented by black streaks, each player embodies a primal sort of drive and hunger. Violinist Olli Vänskä is astounding to watch. He's one of the best violinists I've ever seen. He plays an incredibly cool-looking electrified instrument and displays a wide range, often within the same song. I've always thought it cool when a band includes a violinist. But no violinist I've ever seen compares to Olli.

Netta Skog was the fill-in accordion player, but this fiery Finnish lady certainly didn't seem like a "replacement." She put on a performance as bold as the rest of the boys. In January, original accordionist Janne "Lisko" Mäkinen "disappeared mysteriously in Amsterdam." Yeah. No shit. But Netta is a great player and fit in easily, impressing everyone in attendance with her skills. Everyone but the drummer joins in on vocals and many of the shouts are infectious. You can't help but join in, they're so catchy. Just before their cover of Boney M's disco classic "Rasputin," vocalist/frontman Mathias Nygård commanded the concert-goers to split into two sections, and the crowd responded by parting like the Red Sea. He directed each half in a chant, one side led by the accordion and the other by the violin. He had the crowd eating out of his hand, not out of some kind of dominance but because the act had successfully positioned itself as equals and tapped into the primal instincts of a crowd looking to abandon their cares and embrace a meaningful and great time commonly shared by like-minded individuals. It ceased to be a band and its followers. We were all a tribe celebrating togetherness and enjoying powerful, fun songs. The band put everything into the performance and, by the end of the show, their make-up had been washed clean by perspiration.

After the Paganfest tour ends Turisas will most likely embark on a tour of their own. You should be hoping they stop here again and, if they do, you should do whatever it takes to attend. I've seen a great many bands in my time but Turisas impressed and inspired me. I don't care what kind of music you prefer, I have no doubt in my mind you would enjoy a performance as good as the one this act puts forth.

So Turisas saved the night for me. Even so, I'm upset. Yeah, I'm "not supposed to" criticize because "I should just be happy someone's booking shows like this." Even so, this really fucking irritated me. I'm sure most every other stop on this tour gave people their money's worth. Station 4 really didn't, as far as I'm concerned.

At least the Metal kids attending "Paganfest" weren't half as stinky as the "Pagans" that typically attend Renfest. That was a definite plus.

Turisas performing "Rasputin" live at the 2007 Download Festival in England:

Olli SHREDDING on the violin like you've never seen (embedding disabled for some reason, but you really need to check this out).

The making of the "Rasputin" video:

"Rasputin" video:

Achtung!

2008-05-02T17:11:27Z

Tomorrow (Saturday) night at 9pm a group of us are descending upon the CC Club at 26th and Lyndale for some senseless drunken abandon, celebrating birthdays and new leases on life.

Join us! It's always a great time when we do this.

PAGANFEST 2008

2008-05-02T09:14:35Z

Tonight the Paganfest Tour rolls into town for a show at Station 4 that guarantees to be phenomenal. The performances have received overwhelmingly positive reviews at every stop. Embracing varying styles of Metal, from Powermetal to Melodic Death, and fusing it with Celtic and folk instrumentation from Sweden, Norway, Finland, et. al. the styles of music are both refreshing and inspiring.

The acts on this bill are all really good, but it's unfortunate that bands like Korpiklaani and Finntroll aren't included.

Check out:
Ensiferum
Turisas
Týr
Eluveitie
Suidakra

Eluveitie (pronounced el-WAY-tee) is a personal favorite. I reviewed their latest release, Slania, a couple months ago.

Korpiklaani - "Wooden Pints"

Eluveitie - "Inis Mona" AMAZING!

Turisas - "Rasputin"

Týr - "Regin Smiður"

Finntroll - "Trollhammeren"

Ensiferum - "Ahti"

Sorry if this inspires you to buy a shitload of new music making it impossible to afford tickets to the show tonight. But this is great stuff. It's wildly entertaining and fun.

The best part? It's big, it's heavy, it's METAL. \m/

Spittle

2008-04-30T05:18:22Z

I got nothing done tonight, even though albums were released and I'm also supposed to be writing up the DTC Wiki. It just didn't happen. I didn't feel like writing. (SH)It happens.

My last pick-up of the day is a warehouse that distributes office products. Recently they installed tight fencing just inside each doorway. I walk inside the door and I'm caged. There's a button which rings a bell allerting employees that I'm waiting to be let in. Irritated, I lay on the damn thing until someone walks over and allows me inside. I'm also supposed to "sign in." There is a book where I have to write my name, the time of my arrival and the company to which I belong. So yeah, I write Hugh G. Rekshun, 6:66, Pfizer. Natch.

What the hell is the purpose of all the damned security?! Seriously. They carry pens, wastebaskets and toilet paper. Who cares? It's not even good toilet paper. It's that office-style, paper mache crap where your fingers poke through in wid-wipe. So you wash your hands with that pink, granulated shit that does nothing but sweeten the scent slightly. Then, at lunchtime, you go to bit into your sandwich, the fingers rub against your nose and you think, "Hey, was I so exhausted this morning I made a candied shit sandwhich?!" Ludicrous.

It's just another thing to add to the looong list of moments which irritate me during my work day.

I'm tired. I'm cranky. I'm going to bed.

Shitstorm

2008-04-29T05:16:31Z

I really, really, really dig THESE, and would like my house decorated with them.

Sorry, hypoxia.

Apparently, I am socially unacceptable. That is all.

I don't feel Tardy...

2008-04-29T05:06:55Z

So, apparently, there's some video game that's part of a popular series out today that has all the Conservative types up in arms. I don't play video games because, well...I got my pubes over twenty years ago. But there are people who are saying it shouldn't be released.

So where do you stand? I don't believe this game victimizes children, but it probably objectifies and denigrates women somehow, from what I've read (I don't know for certain - I haven't seen the game nor will I ever play it. I haven't played a video game since the days of Intellivision). I like reading books.

Do video games encourage violence the way Rap and Metal albums do (haha)? Should we be actively trying to save the minds of people who will grow stupider from playing these games? Do the Conservative types have a point (for once)? Or is this all just harmless fantasy for people who don't lead interesting lives? Can't we just let the poor geeks be poor geeks?

I think the whole thing is friggin' hysterical.

C'mon

2008-04-29T01:54:15Z

Okay, so if no one is registered to contribute to Wikipedia, does anyone know somebody that writes for them? Anyone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

How many NeoCons does it take to change a light bulb?

2008-04-28T22:53:18Z

Berlin

2008-04-28T21:26:02Z

Today I underwent a Pulmonary Function Test. It involved a lot of intense breathing, heavy panting, huffing and puffing.

Then the nurse and I got dressed and I left.

XD

It was pretty exhausting. I was forced to breathe so forcefully for so long into a couple different machines that it completely wore me out. I won't hear any results until the end of the week or so.

Here's a question that's been bugging me for a while; How much are you supposed to tip the pizza delivery guy? It's not as though he's doing much work. The guy gets to ride around in his car with his stereo cranked. Big friggin' deal. Yet, I'm sure he makes McMinimum wage and I don't know if he's compensated at all for mileage/gas, and considering the prices I'm sure he's counting on bigger tips. People typically give a hard working waitress fifteen to twenty percent as a tip and they deserve more than a pizza guy. If you spend twenty dollars on pizza, fifteen percent is three bucks. Is that good enough or too much?

I wouldn't want my pizza guy thinking I'm a cheap bastard and spitting on my pizza before he delivers it each time.

Q. How are a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy alike?
A. They can both smell it but they can't eat it!

WAKKA WAKKA!

Query

2008-04-28T05:44:06Z

Is anyone a registered member of Wikipedia? I need some assistance.

Goth PrOn.

2008-04-27T03:46:45Z

I'm not into costume parties. I'm not into "dressing up." I'm not really into Halloween either, at least as far as costuming goes. I like being me. I don't get tired of it and don't feel the urge for fantasy role-playing. It's impractical, uncomfortable, childish and silly.

The Goth Prom is a couple weeks away. For whatever reason, they chose "Steampunk" as the theme. Apparently that's the "it" thing to celebrate these days. I'm more into Splatterpunk myself and would actually be inclined to contribute to a night of visceral gore. But sucking on a faux-Victorian teat doesn't much appeal to me.

I did, for a short while, entertain the thought of purchasing a costume. However, clothes for men along this line of fashion are scarce and ridiculously overpriced. I'm not going to pay much for something I'll never wear again.

So yeah, I'm going as my favorite person again this year. Me. I always enjoy the Goth Prom because everyone comes out for it (something I wish they would do the other 51 weeks of the year). I got too drunk last year and don't remember much of the night so this year I'll have to take it easy.

My Iron lung

2008-04-27T03:16:15Z

Since the end of the Star Wars movies, Darth Vader has had it pretty rough. Parts 1,2 and 3 made a mockery of his legacy and now he's down on his luck, drinking heavily and clumsily attacking Star Wars fans at random.

BBC News caught one such incident on film. It's really sort of sad.

Ever made an Lj post...ooooooon WEED.

2008-04-24T21:11:49Z

Okay, one of you friggin' potheads must have given my cell phone number to some pothead organization. I just got a call with an unknown 800 number that I figured I'd answer since I was just sitting here anyway. The young girl on the other end wanted to know if I supported the recent State bill legalizing marijuana. I told her yes, I do support marijuana legalization, or at least decriminalization, but supporting this bill doesn't really matter since Heir Pawlenty plans to veto it and there's no chance of an override. She wanted me to call my Rep. and let him know I support marijuana legalization, then give him my address.

Oh sure - call up a guy in the government, give him my address and tell him I love weed. That's a great idea. Maybe I'll get a bumper sticker for my car that says, "Hey cop, turn here! I'm headed to my dealer's house!" while I'm at it.

You don't want to legalize it anyway. The quality will go straight into the shitter. It's been almost three years since I took a puff anyway.

Gay Weed Is The New Straight Dope

2008-04-24T19:50:38Z

Trip to the doctor was like Deja Vu. Same tests as last time, same results as last time. My lungs appear fine. There are no masses, there's no scarring, there's no fluid. Organs, including heart, look normal. Much blood was drawn, tests are being performed, results to come at a later date. I have an appointment for a Pulmonary Function Test on Monday which could, quite possibly, determine the problem. If not I'll be visiting with a Pulmonologist, or some such nonsense. Looks like the suffering isn't going to end any time soon and I'm just going to have to keep going until I fall over. Either way I'm going to missing a lot of work, it seems.

In more lighthearted news, I've finally completed and posted one of the latest interviews I've been doing. You may remember Arizona Powernoise act Alter Der Ruine from their awesome free show with W.A.S.T.E. last month. Now you can get to know them better through ADR: The DTC Interview. So go check that little chat out, then buy all their albums.

Wow. Just...wow.

2008-04-24T17:44:51Z

So there's a new video by one of my favorite bands, Opeth. Mikael Åkerfeldt is one of the most brilliant and prolific songwriters in music today, and the act's sound is typically described as "Progressive Death Metal." That can be misleading though, as a number of songs don't contain the sort of growls you associate with Death Metal and they also have one album, 2003's Damnation, that is all clean guitar and singing. Åkerfeldt has a great voice whether he's singing or growling, and the arrangements are always impressive.

What struck me about this video was the quality. These days music videos - at least videos put out by bands that don't chart - have a low-budget, cheap and grainy look that usually just involves footage of the band playing. This one actually looks decent, has actors, somewhat of an oblique plotline and...great music. Check out "Porcelain Heart." I'm eagerly anticipating the new album.